How to make friends as an adult

Where to meet people as an adult

The best places have two things in common: you see the same faces more than once, and there is something to do together so you are not just making small talk. Some ideas:

• A regular, repeated setting: a weekly class, a run club, a choir, a book group, a board games night. Going every week matters more than which one you pick.
• Volunteering: a food bank, a community garden, a charity shop or a local clean-up. You work alongside people, which gives you something to talk about.
• A class to learn something: pottery, a language, climbing, cooking, first aid.
• A club or team: sport, walking groups, photography, a faith or community group.
• Work: lunch with a colleague, or a coffee after a shared project. Friendships that start here can carry on after the job.
• Your neighbours: say hello, borrow a ladder, join a street group or a local event.
• Online groups that meet in person. If you meet someone from the internet, choose a public place, tell a friend or family member where you are going and who you are meeting, arrange your own way home, and leave if anything feels off.

Pick something you are curious about, not something you think you should like. If the activity interests you, it is easier to keep going, and the conversation has something to hang on.

How to make friends as an adult: step by step

You do not need to do all of these at once. Start with step one and go at the pace that suits you.

1. 1Pick one repeated activity and put it in your diary. Choose something weekly, so you see the same people. Decide to go at least four times before you judge it.
2. 2Arrive with one small aim. For example: learn one person's name, or ask one question. A small aim feels easier than 'make friends'.
3. 3Ask open questions and listen. 'How did you get into this?' works well. Remember what they say, and bring it up next time.
4. 4Share a little about yourself. Friendship grows when both people give a bit. You do not have to share anything deep on day one.
5. 5Move from the group to one person. When you click with someone, say so: 'I enjoyed chatting, shall we grab a coffee after next week?' Be specific. A named day and place is easier to say yes to than 'we should meet up sometime'.
6. 6Keep in touch between meetings. A short message about something you talked about is enough: 'Saw this and thought of you.'
7. 7Keep showing up and suggest the next plan. Friendships can stall when each person waits for the other to ask. Be the one who suggests it, at least some of the time.
8. 8Expect some plans to go nowhere. Not everyone you meet will become a friend, and that is normal. Try again with someone else without taking it as a verdict on you.

How long does it take to make a friend?

There is no fixed number, and it will differ from one friendship to the next. One piece of research gives a useful idea, though. In a 2019 paper, researcher J. A. Hall asked how many hours it takes to make a friend.

In the first study, 355 adults who had recently moved estimated how much time they had spent with a new acquaintance. More hours together went with a closer friendship, and so did time spent doing leisure activities together. In the second study, 112 first-year students reported their hours with two new acquaintances at three points over nine weeks. More hours together went with growing closeness, and two kinds of everyday talk also predicted it.

These are findings from two studies, and they show links, not proof of cause. They do suggest something simple: friendship needs time together, and doing something you both enjoy helps. One coffee is a start, not a test.

How to be a better friend

Making a friend is one skill. Keeping one is another. A few habits make a difference:

• Reply, even briefly. 'Can't talk now, will call you Sunday' is better than silence.
• Listen more than you fix. Try summing up what they said before you give advice. Active listening is a skill you can practise.
• Remember the small things: their big day, their sick relative, their new job. Ask how it went.
• Say how you feel without blaming. If something bothers you, an 'I' statement keeps it kind. See the I statements worksheet.
• Be the one who suggests plans, and say yes sometimes when they do.
• Share good news and bad news. Let them see a real you.
• Give a friend room. People get busy. A quiet month does not always mean the friendship is over.
• Say sorry if you got it wrong, and mean it. Saying the harder things kindly is a skill you can practise.

It also helps to know what you value in a friend, and what kind of friend you want to be. The core values worksheet is a good place to work that out.

If you feel anxious meeting people

Feeling nervous before meeting new people does not mean you will do it badly. A few ways to make it easier:

• Make the first visit short. Tell yourself you can leave after thirty minutes.
• Choose an activity with a built-in focus, such as a class or a walk, so you are not facing a silent room.
• Plan two or three questions in advance.
• Notice the story in your head. 'Nobody wants to talk to me' is a guess, not a fact. Try treating it as a guess and see what happens.
• Be kind to yourself afterwards. Note one thing that went fine, however small.

If the feeling is bigger than nerves and it is keeping you from going out at all, that deserves proper support. See the next section.

When to get more support

Making friends can be a slow process, and a few flat weeks are part of it. Think about talking to a GP if:

• Loneliness or fear of meeting people is making everyday life hard.
• You avoid work, shops or social events because of anxiety.
• You feel low, empty or hopeless for weeks, or have lost interest in things you used to enjoy.
• Your sleep, appetite or energy have changed and you are not sure why.

A GP can talk it through and point you to support, which can include talking therapies and local groups. You can also call Samaritans free on 116 123 (UK and Ireland), at any time, just to talk. In the US, call or text 988. Elsewhere, findahelpline.com lists free, confidential lines.

If you feel you cannot see a way out, or you are thinking about ending your life or harming yourself, put your safety first: contact one of these lines now, or go to your nearest emergency department or call your local emergency number.